A REVIEW OF 20 MOVIES I DID NOT WATCH IN 2013

Webster’s Dictionary defines “segue” as a smooth planned transition between two points of different substance. 

Here’s my review of some movies released in 2013 that I did not watch!

MAMA
I’m saddened to say that I have to give this one two thumbs down. I understand that Martin Lawrence is more than likely too expensive for this franchise now, but this low-budget sequel to Big Momma’s House really suffered by reducing Momma to average size and taking her out of her trademark ‘house’.

47 RONIN
Cool it with all the Ronins (?), Hollywood. What is this, a Gilette razor? My pappy didn’t need more than 1 or 2 Ronii (?) and neither do I.

IDENTITY THIEF
Melissa McCarthy’s comedic career takes a turn for the dramatic as she stars as the single mother Marianne Identity in this quiet family drama depicting the true story of a mother going to the ends of the earth to recover her kidnapped daughter and punish her kidnapper, played by Jason Bateman. A gripping and tense retelling of the story that captivated a nation. 

21 & OVER
Not a single character in this film understands how blackjack is played.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
When the boys in Beta House come home from the big dance to find that their house has been TP’d by Alpha House, they call in the only one they know who can help them properly retaliate: Beta House alumni GI Joe. A fun college romp appropriate for all ages. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is comic brilliance as the no-fun Dean Buzz Killridge.

BEFORE MIDNIGHT
What a shameless Cinderella ripoff.

OLDBOY
What a shameless Benjamin Button ripoff.

LAST VEGAS
What a shameless Last of the Mohicans ripoff. I’ve never even heard of the Vega tribe.

FRUITVALE STATION
All aboard! This quirky kids comedy from the makers of Richard Scarry’s Busytown puts you and your family inside of an apple shaped train and takes you on a fun-filled tour of the tiny town of Fruitvale.

RIPD
A thrilling documentary that takes you into the private and professional lives of the police officers of this country’s smallest state.

DALLAS BUYERS CLUB
Sleeper hit of the year! Matthew McConnaughey & Jared Leto star as two aging television aficionados who meet on an online message board and form a friendship. When they learn their favorite series, Dallas, is soon being taken off the shelves and put into the Disney vault (a confusing plot point, I still don’t understand) they trek across the US, buying as many copies as they can find. A fun buddy comedy with great performances from everyone involved. Some great cameos of the real Dallas Buyers Club. (My buddy Howard and I walk through the background of two separate shots)

ELYSIUM
Damon is back as Jason Bourne, in this dizzying action thriller that puts our beloved special agent superhero in that metal mech suit from the climax of Aliens. Has Bourne’s Sigourney Weaver obsession gone too far? Check out Elysium and find out!

PLANES
As advertised!

DON JON
Joseph Gordon Levitt’s (3rd Rock From The Sun, the background of one shot in The Brothers Bloom) directorial debut finds him directing a talented cast in Doctor Seuss’s classical rhyming children’s book about Jon Gotti, the crime don and patriarch of the Gotti family.

ENOUGH SAID

RUNNER RUNNER

Funny enough, I did see the 2D version of Runner Runner which is just known as Runner in the states. It was okay. Lacked dimension.

THE FIFTH ESTATE
Benedict Cumberbatch narrates this boring biography of Connecticut, America’s fifth state, through a weird and potentially racist Italian accent.

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS
When Llewyn Davis comes down with a common cold, three of his closest friends board a ship and shrink down to microscopic size to surf his internal organs and find the source of his illness. A wonderful homage to The Fantastic Voyage. Timberlake sings the soundtrack.

12 YEARS A SLAVE
A gripping and emotional period drama about Solomon Northrup, a free black man who was tricked into slavery for 12 years. This is possibly the most important film of the year, and you’d be doing yourself no favors by missing it. Chiwetel Ejiofor gives a commanding performance as Northrup and manages to leave the entire audience stunned to silent tears with his incredible depiction of this southern tragedy. I encourage audiences to not only take in Solomon’s story, but to consider the knowledge that Northrup’s history is but one person’s misery in a sea of injustices committed against a people, many of whom never had even the 'pleasure’ of being free in their time. I could not recommend this film more highly.

SHORT TERM 12
Pretty much the same movie! This is this year's No Strings Attached, if 12 Years A Slavewas this year's Friends With Benefits.