(Republished from issue 4 of The Pitchfork Review) Here’s a few of them that didn’t make the cut (some of which I love way more.)
EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC ZEROES: Dig your old Edward Scissorhands costume outta the trash and throw a few fridge magnets on it! FOR EXTRA POINTS: Talk enthusiastically about the 60s, breaking conversation every few minutes to check your iPhone.
KANYE WEST: Bust out your white suit and fluorescent sunglasses- you’re gonna need them as you stare out the window in the direction of the setting sun! FOR EXTRA POINTS: Show up around 4am and insist the party shouldn’t have even started until you arrived.
A$AP ROCKY: Dig out your old Flash costume and your papa’s boxing gloves! FOR EXTRA POINTS: Steer every conversation towards an answer as to whether Pac fucked Madonna.
CHILDISH GAMBINO: Line the coat pockets of your most dashing mafioso suit with a suspicious amount of whoopee cushions. FOR EXTRA POINTS: End your convos with a punchline… senior prom.
COLDPLAY: Shivering Shakespeares! Who’s that 16th-century bard in full winter gear? FOR EXTRA POINTS: Arrive early, leave late. Let everyone get over you. Leave them nostalgic for the high- school-you.
ST. VINCENT: How’s your Vince Vaughn impression? Do you have access to a pope hat? FOR EXTRA POINTS: Let the music possess you. I mean really possess you. Dance like you’ve got an exorcist on speed dial.